Abigail: Patience is a virtue

Marriage is a full package and depending on your spouse, you might get more than you wanted or nothing close to what you really wanted. Abigail was married to probably one of the richest men in her community. Nabal had property at Carmel, and was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep (1 Samuel 25:2). I am sure Abigail did not need to worry about food and other things needed for daily living. In fact, she was able to organize a party for an army of over 600 people in just a short time without asking for help from her husband: “She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys” (1 Samuel 25:18). Even in the 21st century, it would cost a fortune to prepare this meal fit for a king. In other words, money and food wouldn’t have been a worry for Abigail. Her worry was the fact that she was a beautiful and intelligent woman who was married to a foolish and brutish man. Such an irony!

When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing at all until daybreak. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died. (1 Samuel 25:36‭, ‬38)

Abigail acted wisely to save herself, Nabal and the whole family from David’s attack. David confirmed that if Abigail had not intervened, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak (1 Samuel 25:34. Meanwhile, the chief culprit, Nabal, was partying. He had no clue what he had caused and how his wickedness had almost escalated to a potential death threat. The matter was settled and David and his men returned to their hideout. Abigail might have shared a sigh of relief. “When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing at all until daybreak” (1 Samuel 25:36). Nabal’s folly had put his entire household in trouble, meanwhile he was oblivious of the impending doom and was just drinking his life away. Imagine the state David and his men would have met Nabal. He would have been so drunk without any control to mitigate the impact of his actions. Thankfully Abigail was up for the task.

Throughout the story of Abigail, she demonstrated patience towards Nabal. First, she didn’t start by nagging and accusing Nabal for refusing to assist David and his men. Abigail was patient enough to take care of the situation. When she returned to meet her very drunk husband, she was patient enough to let matters lie until he became sober. What an attitude! Most women in the position of Abigail would have started the drama right after the servants mentioned the incident. Others would have caused a scene at the sheep shearing knowing that Nabal was partying while his attitudes had almost caused an extermination. Abigail knew the nature of her husband, she patiently waited until daybreak. “Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone” (1 Samuel 25:37). In his sober state, Nabal was convicted of his action. He knew that if Abigail had not intervened, he would have been a dead man. The message Bible renders 1 Samuel 25:37-38 this way: “But in the morning, after Nabal had sobered up, she told him the whole story. Right then and there he had a heart attack and fell into a coma. About ten days later God finished him off and he died” (1 Samuel 25:36‭-‬38 MSG). When Nabal understood the full weight of his actions, his heart and body failed him. He might have been a real fool to have missed the bigger picture of his actions. 

Nabal’s folly led him to an early grave leaving behind a beautiful and intelligent widow. Abigail’s marriage with Nabal ended on a very sad note. Her own husband orchestrated his own downfall. What would become of Abigail? What if her husband had made many other enemies beside David? Abigail might have had to develop enough patience to live with Nabal. Her marriage was desirable when it came to money and provision but in attitude, Abigail had to accommodate the messes of Nabal. 

Indeed, love is patient and kind. Patience is a virtue. If we lose patience, we ultimately lose ourselves and the battle of controlling our anger. If we don’t learn to be patient, we would ultimately become a patient to our impatience and anger. Anger lies in the bosom of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9). The remedy for Nabal’s trouble was Abigail’s patience. 

Michal: Given to another

Marriage is beautiful but it is not a bed of roses. You will not always have butterflies in your stomach. You would have to be intentional about making your marriage work. Couples need to have a realistic plan and with God on your side, even if there are unfavourable times, you would still sail through. In God’s original plan, a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This is the leaving and cleaving part of marriage. Whenever married couples are manipulated and controlled by parents, we lose the value of leaving and cleaving. We don’t abandon our parents after marriage, we should set barriers as to how far they can be involved in our marital homes. If you require your parent’s permission before taking important decisions with your spouse, you have not fully become one flesh with your spouse. You need godly and sound advice from your parents but ultimately, you make your own decisions with your spouse. What if a parent decides to rip the marital home  of the child apart? What if a parent is an authority that is feared and tries to wrongfully use that authority to mess up the marriage?

The fear of many young men from continents such as Africa and Asia is marrying into extremely rich and powerful homes. Even if the men have done well for themselves, they fear being manipulated by their in-laws. David married a princess of Israel. He knew the implications of marrying a princess of Israel. When Saul made the proposal that David marry his daughter, “David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” (1 Samuel 18:18). When Saul’s attendants told David that the king likes David and that David should marry the king’s daughter, David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known” (1 Samuel 18:23). David was right at that time, it was not an easy thing to marry the daughter of king Saul. Michal, David’s wife, loved David by all standards but her love was not enough to save her marriage. King Saul hated David and would not rest until he drove David away from the palace to the wilderness. 

But Saul had given his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to Paltiel son of Laish, who was from Gallim. (1 Samuel 25:44)

Michal’s marriage didn’t last because of family intrusion. Her own father messed up her marriage. His strong passion to kill David caused a split between the couple. Michal’s dream of spending her lifetime with David was stalled. She had no option at that time because her father was so powerful and she was powerless. Even her brother Jonathan, who supported David, had to tell David to run for his life. Saul was bent on evil. Did Saul ever realize the harm he might have inflicted to Michal and David because of his wickedness? Maybe he didn’t care about their happiness. All that Saul wanted was power and authority. He felt the presence of David was an indication that his kingdom would be taken from him and given to David. On the faithful day that Saul sent men to kill David, Michal let David down through a window, and he fled and escaped (1 Samuel 19:12). David roamed about for a long time as Saul kept hunting for him. Michal was given to another man. In 1 Samuel 25:44, Saul gives his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to Paltiel, son of Laish, who was from Gallim. 

The height of Saul’s intrusive behaviour was taking Michal and giving her to another man. Michal’s marriage to David is broken by Saul. He brings in another man to occupy the position of David. Will David let Michal go? Will Michal ever return to David? The Bible has answers to all these questions. We shall continue this story in our next post.

If you are in a position of power, don’t be manipulative like Saul. Allow the people around you to enjoy their marriages. If you are currently experiencing what Michal and David went through, I pray that God comes through for you. If you are at a standstill and want to know if a relationship with a person from a powerful background is worth it, do you check but most importantly, commit it to God and wait for Him to guide you. If you see potential marks or red flags along the way, don’t ignore them. It better to marry from a humble home and grow your marriage to a world-class model marriage than to marry from the crème de la crème and become a nobody in your own marriage. 

Sarai: Dealing with issues

The Bible is very specific about introducing people. Sometimes I ask why specific tags are needed for certain people when we could actually mention the person’s name and just move on. But I have realized that those name tags are given on purpose. Besides name tags, when people are dealing with life’s issues, the Bible does not hide it. It exposes the specific issue and later when there is a change in the person’s life, we are able to see the transformation or the miracle that has taken place. In life, we all deal with different issues: it could be marital, health, financial, or any other thing that causes us to worry. Sometimes, these issues in life can be so overwhelming that it causes us to have sleepless nights. In fact, for most people dealing with different types of life’s challenges, they are at the mercy of those who have overcome those challenges. Grief and pain from life’s challenges can lead one to develop other health related issues. 

Now Sarai was childless because she was not able to conceive.(Genesis 11:30)

Sarai (later known as Sarah) was married to Abram (later known as Abraham). We don’t know about their lives before marriage. What we know is that “Sarai was childless because she was not able to conceive” (Genesis 11:30). Sarai had an issue with childbearing. We are not given details of the medical conditions. I believe there was no scientific diagnosis for whatever reason that was preventing Sarai from conceiving. They did not have access to all the tools we have now. They did not have the option for IVF. Sarai was just introduced as the woman who was unable to conceive. If childbearing is a big thing for most marriages in our day, imagine a highly patrilineal society where having children is necessary for the sustenance of the family line. Sarai must have been a woman with deeper inner struggles because of the inability to conceive. Whether she was married to her sweetheart or the man who loved her above all else, Sarai still had these issues and as such she might have been worried about what was happening. 

Like Sarai, we deal with different issues each day. Life can be full of uncertainties and the fear of the unknown future causes many to worry about their present state in life. Marital challenges have the potential of causing strife and divorce if not handled with godly wisdom. Sickness is also a big issue of life. There are instances that very healthy young couples have been suddenly riddled with life threatening sicknesses that put strains on their marriages. Godly marriages are ordained to last the rain and the storms of life; in sickness and health, in riches and in poverty, for better and for worse. These are not just quotes we rush through during marriage ceremonies to be done with. No! The reality is that life can be a Rollercoaster of good, bad and ugly issues. When one say I do, technically you say that “I will stand by you no matter the challenges we may go through.” Since this commitment is an exchanged vow, both the husband and the wife are committed to stand by their words. It is not a one-sided coin. Abram was aware that Sarai was unable to conceive but we do not find any instance in scripture showing Abram asking Sarai to conceive or he leaves her. In fact, if not for Sarai, Abram wouldn’t have gone for another woman during the lifetime of Sarai. 

Women throughout history have been at the mercies of societal ridicule for things they cannot control such as childbearing. Sarai’s issue later became her testimony after several years. While we pray and hold on to God, we should also be intentional about what we do in-between the waiting time and the time for our miracle. 

The marriage principle of transparency

My kids love to watch Superbook, a Bible-based animation. In this animation, the main characters (2 children and a robot) always get transported into the past and they experience the lived lives of Bible characters and they also learn important lessons. The video on “In the beginning” shows Adam and Eve walking about in the Garden with no clothes on. The robot couldn’t deal with it and had to program itself by putting on imaginary dresses on the couple. As funny as this sound, Adam and Eve had their period of nakedness while in the Garden of Eden. They were literally naked and yet, they were not ashamed. The principle of nakedness is very important in marriage. Nakedness here means transparency and openness. The fact that the couple were not ashamed of their nakedness meant that God didn’t create them to be ashamed of it.

Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:25)

We should be careful not to equate this nakedness presently to going about without clothes. In fact, if any couple should make that attempt, I am sure they will be assigned psychiatric doctors. Adam and Eve’s nakedness was before the fall of man. They lived in perfect condition and the glory of God encapsulated them. They were living a life without sin. Nothing was hidden. They were aware of themselves and what they had. Transparency in marriage should include making our lives very open to our spouses. No human should know our deepest thoughts and feelings than our spouses. It includes sharing our bodies (sexually) and enjoying deep intimacy together. It also includes financial transparency: we should not hide our money from one another. These days, even technological transparency is important. We should not put unnecessary codes and passwords on our phones without sharing them with our spouses. Afterall, if you have nothing to hide, you should be comfortable giving your spouse access to your phone.

Our understanding that marriage presents the highest form of transparency among human relationships should urge us to be transparent with our spouses. It is not a one-way affair: “Adam and Eve were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). As soon as we start feeling the need to hide our dealings with our spouses, we should know that transparency is broken. We shouldn’t be shy to discuss our deepest thoughts and feelings together. Family and business goals should be shared together. Couples should be transparent enough to even discuss their sexual concerns so that they can be satisfied. The reason most couples refuse to be transparent to one another is as a result of trust issues. Many marriages have become susceptible to “leaked information” because one partner got tired of the marriage and decided to let the whole world know of their partner’s weakness. 

When we begin our marriage based on God’s principles, we avoid some of these challenges. However, it is never too late to go back to the basics. Genesis is the best place to start out. God designed marriage and His manual is the manufacturer’s guide for marriage. I recommend our books on marriage, choosing a marriage partner and humility for you. Until we are humble enough to accept God’s plan for our marriages, we will be running a different course. Remember, Adam and Eve were naked but yet, they were not ashamed. 

The marriage principle of one flesh

On the day I had my wedding,  the pastor who officiated the service told several stories about what happens in marriage. One of the stories was about a husband who intelligently defended the wife when the wife cooked a very delicate meal with the wrong recipe. The husband told his friends that he taught the wife that recipe just to avoid the friends making mockery at the wife. When the friends left, this husband showed the wife how to cook the recipe well. He did not expose the wife’s weakness in public. The pastor concluded that since marriage makes the couple one flesh, the man identified with the shame of the wife and stood in for her. He did not want the wife to feel humiliated, because indirectly the man would have been humiliated too. A cliché I got exposed to while growing up is “no one takes money to marry their enemy.” But, I think these days, lots of couples seem to be living with their enemies. 

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

The principle of one flesh implies that the couple become one in the sight of God. They don’t lose their individual personalities but the two different people form a new flesh. God sees the couple as one. The unity between the married man and the woman is expected to be so strong that it is difficult to pull apart. The only way to break one flesh is to cut it apart. This oneness is not sameness but an identity that causes them to see themselves as a unified whole. They cover one other’s weaknesses and help each other to grow. They see the success of one as the unified success of the couple. Unity pushes forward a formidable force. In Genesis 11, it took God Himself to thwart the plans of the people to build a tower because the people were united. The Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them” (Genesis 11:6). 

The deep unity God expects from marriage is the main reason identifying the vision of your partner is important. This ideally should be a premarital step. You need to know how you fit into each other’s life. This makes it easy to experience the principle of one flesh. With this same unity, a couple builds their home, raises godly offspring, builds their ministry, builds their businesses etc. As no one acting normally hurts themselves, when we fully understand one flesh, we do not hurt one another because the implication is hurting self. We bear one another’s burdens. We share each other’s joy. We feel each other’s pain. No one leaves their legs in the midst of trouble because the leg accidentally hits a bar and gets wounded. The pain is experienced by the whole body. Even though the hand is innocent of causing the pain, it feels the pain and applies healing balm on the leg until the leg is healed. This is applicable to one flesh in marriage: the couple feels one another’s pain and does not abandon the other in trouble. 

Remember, the devil’s attacks against marriage include taking our eyes off some of the foundational principles of marriage. He is constantly introducing something to make couples refuse the idea of one flesh. Do not give the devil a footstool in your home. He will take charge of everything. 

The marriage principle of leaving and cleaving

One of the causes of marriage breakdown in Sub-Saharan Africa is parental involvement. I believe this is experienced in other continents as well. Parents play major roles in the upbringing of their children. Most children receive both physical and spiritual training from their parents. The Bible admonishes children to be obedient to their parents (Ephesians 6:1). Older women are admonished to mentor the younger ones into godly marriages (Titus 2:3-5). Generally, mentoring and discipleship runs throughout scripture. However,  there is a difference between marriage mentoring/discipleship and invading someone’s home with what you think should be done. Adam and Eve, escaped the infiltration of parental involvement in their marriage because neither had a mother or a father. Adam couldn’t compare Eve to his mum and Eve never had the opportunity to compare Adam to her dad.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

As much as we love, honour, respect and appreciate our parents, when we marry, we make a decision to leave their coverage, and to cleave to our spouses. In Genesis 2:24, the author made a profound statement: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). The parent-child relation is the highest depiction of love. We are the children of God. Jesus is God’s begotten Son. The principle of leaving and cleaving does not imply abandonment. It shows the deep connection between the husband and the wife. The principle of leaving and cleaving does not necessarily mean the couple move to a different location, it is a sense of preference and priority. Your marital home is your first home, your first ministry and your topmost priority. 

When we have a better understanding of the principle of leaving and cleaving, we will work together as married couples to ensure that our homes become our first priority. Our beloved parents will never leave our lives and we are to accord them the needed respect,  love and assistance. However, we should open up to our spouses and share our deepest thoughts with them. Your parents should not be your first point of call when you have not discussed with your spouse. Decisions in marital homes should be made by the couple, not their parents. Choices such as where to live, number of children to have, naming the children, kind of food to prepare at home should be decided by the couple. If your parents are more skillful at something than your spouse, help your spouse to learn that skill. Never compare or call your parents to come and take over responsibility of your home because the other party is not able to. 

If you still receive instructions from your parents to run your home, you have not left yet. I recommend our book on marriage for those who are married and want to learn more about the institution. I also recommend our book on principles of choosing the right partner for those yet to marry. In this book, we discuss ways to resolve conflicts between parents and children in the area of marriage. 

I will make a helper suitable for him

After the animals were created by God, Adam was assigned the task of giving them names: “Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name” (Genesis 2:19). That must be a lot of cognitive work, naming the different animals. In Genesis 2:20, we are told that Adam gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. Imagine Adam living alone in the vast Garden of God and managing all the animals and vegetation. Definitely, he must have been super busy and in all his busyness, no animal was a suitable helper for Adam. Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

One lesson from God’s original intention of marriage is the fact the God identified the need for the man to have a helper. The woman is a helper to the man. God saw that it was not good for the man to be alone in the Garden, and therefore brought in the woman. Before God brought Eve to Adam, God already gave Adam a task of taking care of the Garden. Adam was a full time husbandman and a steward of the Garden of Eden. He ensured that the animals and plants were well taken care of. Therefore, God brought in Eve to help Adam with the task assigned to him. However, many people in marital unions have gone for helpers that do not have assigned tasks. Some men are yet to identify their purposes in life and no helper comes to do nothing. If the couple are running different assignments, there is bound to be a conflict.

Eve was sent to help Adam in fulfilling his purpose and vision. In the same way, Adam was expected to ensure that Eve remained in the purpose and call of God. Don’t you think God was aware when the serpent deceived Eve? Why did he blame Adam? “But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Genesis 3:9,11). Adam had a task and Eve was his perfect helper to help him work this task. However, the devil saw an opportunity to engage Eve in a conversation and ultimately deceived her to eat the forbidden fruit. Eve in turn gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Adam’s helper became Adam’s greatest fall. What could have been wrong? The devil used deception to lie to the woman. The devil told the woman that “God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5). This was a big lie because God had already created the man and the woman in His own image (Genesis 1:27). So Eve did not need the fruit to be like God. This deception is still used by the enemy to fight against God’s plan of marriage.

The woman taken from the rib of man has never been inferior to man. In fact, a helper is either of the same strength as you or better still stronger than you. The fallen man has been found guilty of maltreating the woman but at the beginning, it was not so. The woman was a co-steward in the business of the man. When we identify that we are working together as a couple to advance the purpose of our assignment, certain conflicts will cease and the enemy will be kicked out of our home. 

Dear God, help us to know that you created both the man and the woman to work together to achieve your purpose.  Help us to understand our roles in this assignment in order to know what to do at every point in time. I pray that couples will understand the principle of “suitable helper” and be ready to work together to achieve your purpose in Jesus’ name.