Tamar: The beautiful sister of Absalom son of David

The household of king David had different women and this resulted in the birth of different children. As the children of the king, they had preferential treatment and were more respected than their contemporaneous. They would have obviously enjoyed the glamor and the attention. However, the children of David were not without errors. Their stories among many “parenting gone wrong” stories in the Bible presents a caution to parents to be more effective and down to earth. David’s firstborn was Amnon whose mother was Ahinoam of Jezreel (2 Samuel 3:2b). David’s wife Maakah also gave birth to Absalom and his sister Tamar. Therefore, Amnon and Tamar are related. We could certainly say that they are siblings. Therefore no matter how attractive Tamar was, she remained Amnon’s sister.

In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. (2 Samuel 13:1)

David’s household had recovered from the sin with Bethsheba that led to God’s vengeance on the baby born out of adultery. The family had moved on but the curse of David’s sin still loomed on his family: “Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own” (2 Samuel 12:10). 2 Samuel 13:1 states that “in the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.” The first red flag mentioned in this verse was that Amnon, son of David, fell in love with Tamar, daughter of David. What exactly made Amnon, David’s firstborn to fall in love with his blood sister? If Amnon had taken his Torah lessons seriously, he should have known that it was highly impossible to be married to his sister. Leviticus 18:11 states that “Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father’s wife, born to your father; she is your sister.” The Law forbade such incestuous relationships and no matter how beautiful Tamar was, she would have been good enough for another man other than her brother. 

The desire of Amnon was definitely an obsession which had no good goal. Tamar was indeed beautiful, so was her brother Absalom. In fact 2 Samuel 14:25-26 describes Absalom this way: “In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.” If beauty and handsome were personified, definitely Maakah’s children born to king David would have been called Beauty and Handsome. But, no matter how stunning and attractive Tamar was, she was a no goal zone for her brother Amnon. Therefore any feeling of love or infatuation was unnecessary. Amnon could only express sisterly love (philio) towards Tamar and nothing else.

Amnon’s obsession with Tamar caused him to make himself ill (2 Samuel 13:2). Tamar was a virgin and there was nothing Amnon could do to have her. Tamar would have been living her life without the slightest idea that her own brother was getting himself sick with obsession for her. Amnon obsession was a reckless one and it was leading to no good. Tamar was no ordinary lady he could easily convince, she was the daughter of the king and his own sister. Amnon’s erotic desires towards Tamar kept dragging him towards evil. James 1:15 states that “after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” Amnon was threading on a path that was leading to no good. He was on a similar path as his father David when he saw Bethsheba taking her bath.

If we are not careful to control our desires, our own desires will conceive and give birth to sin. Then, the sin will continue the cycle until it is fully grown and gives birth to death. The wages of sin is death. Be on your guard. Not every beauty should be desired!

Abigail: Beauty and the beast

A few years ago, when I was getting ready for marriage, one of the things I prayerfully considered was a wise husband. For me, spirituality without wisdom was tantamount to nothing. If we fail to consider the nature and character of our partners before we marry, a beautiful woman would be in a holy wedlock with a sentimental fool. So many beautiful and God-fearing people have married spouses who turned out to be something else. Some beautiful women have married beasts who turned the women into punching bags. Some hard working men have married extremely lazy and contemptuous women. Whereas going into such marriages seems easier, coming out is the most difficult experience. As our faith does not support divorce, make sure you choose your partner with all wisdom and understanding.  Love has eyes, it is never blind.

The man’s name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail; she was a woman of good understanding, and beautiful. But the man was rough and evil in his doings; he was a Calebite. (1 Samuel 25:3 AMPC)

As we continue our series on women in the Bible, let’s stop at Carmel. We would visit the house of Nabal and Abigail. Our focus would be on Abigail, the wife of Nabal. Their story also intertwines with the story of David. This is how the Bible introduced Nabal and Abigail: “There was a certain man in Maon who carried on his business in the region of Carmel. He was very prosperous—three thousand sheep and a thousand goats, and it was sheep-shearing time in Carmel. The man’s name was Nabal (Fool), a Calebite, and his wife’s name was Abigail. The woman was intelligent and good-looking, the man brutish and mean.” (1 Samuel 25:2‭-‬3 MSG). Before the reader is exposed to what really happened, the stage was set. Abigail was intelligent and beautiful but Nabal was brute and mean. In other words, Abigail and Nabal were like beauty and the beast. How did two different people manage to live under the same roof? Now, see what happened: 

“While David was in the wilderness, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. So he sent ten young men and said to them, “Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours! “ ‘Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’ ” (1 Samuel 25:4‭-‬8). Nabal’s reply was, “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?” (1 Samuel 25:10‭-‬11). Was this reply intentional? Didn’t Nabal know who David was? Was Nabal just being harsh and mean? Whatever Nabal’s intention was, it really triggered David to retaliate. 

In case Nabal just wanted to be mean to David, he should have known that his response could potentially cause David the giant slayer to attack him and his household. Nabal’s harsh reply put all he had in potential threat. What was he thinking? A giant slayer with over 600 men who had helped Nabal’s shepherds made a request, and the response even surprised Nabal’s own shepherds. No wonder Proverbs admonishes us to get wisdom: “Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.” (Proverbs 4:5‭-‬9)

Abigail might have had to daily deal with the excesses of Nabal. If she failed to correct his errors, even her own life was in danger. Imagine if Nabal had married a woman who was not as wise as Abigail. The result would have been worse. We shall continue to look at Abigail’s reaction to this situation in our next post.

Many marriages have spouses with attitudes such as Nabal. In such unions, the other spouses would have to daily repair and restore relationships and friendships, build trust and apologize to as many people who experience the brutality of their spouses. If you are married to anyone who has the character of Nabal, I pray for God’s wisdom to navigate through. If you are yet to marry, make sure not to overlook any red flags along the way. If beauty marries the beast in real life (not in Disney movies), beauty either changes to a beast or gets consumed by the beast. Before you tie the knot, look around, look ahead, and look up…don’t miss any signal. In real life, the beast doesn’t turn into a prince charming by the deactivating tears of a beautiful princess. For a real life beauty to tame a beast, it takes lots of work, prayers, fasting and potential bruises from the beast. Your body might be bruised and your emotions might be hurt as well.

Rebekah and the stolen blessing

Rebekah and Isaac as we saw earlier, had their favourite sons. Esau was for Isaac and Jacob was for Rebekah. Now, “when Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, “My son.” “Here I am,” he answered. Isaac said, “I am now an old man and don’t know the day of my death. Now then, get your equipment—your quiver and bow—and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me. Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die.” (Genesis 27:1‭-‬4). Isaac’s love for Esau was so tied to wild game that before he could give his son his final blessing, Esau had to first hunt for a game and make food for his father. That doesn’t sound like unconditional love. “No meat, no blessings”, kind of love is not the one God has shown to us. And this is where it gets messier. Rebekah loved Jacob and would do anything for him. “Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back” (Genesis 27:5). “Will Rebekah pretend she didn’t hear what Isaac said?” You know the answer, right?

Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies.” (Genesis 27:9‭-‬10)

What a bag of mess? The couple’s public display of favouritism was about to generate a family feud. After recalling the instruction Isaac gave to Jacob, “Rebekah said to her son Jacob, “Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau…Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies.” (Genesis 27:6‭, ‬8‭-‬10). Rebekah wanted Jacob to steal the blessing meant for Esau. Although Jacob protested against the idea because of their physical differences, Rebekah had the perfect work plan to disguise Jacob to make him look like Esau. After Rebekah cooked the food just like Isaac loved it, she went ahead to disguise Jacob to look like Esau. The plan worked and Jacob presented the food to his father. Isaac was surprised at the speed of making the food. Since Isaac was blind, he was deceived by the smell of Esau (Jacob was in Esau’s clothes) and the goatskin body of Jacob. The blessing was given to Jacob fullscore. Isaac blessed him from his heart. Afterall, He thought he was blessing Esau, his firstborn and favourite son. Jacob  through the orchestrated effort of Rebekah stole the blessing meant for Esau.

What was Rebekah’s motivation for helping her son to deceive her husband? Was it because of the prophecy given to her that the oldest will serve the youngest? Was it because of her love for Jacob? Ultimately Rebekah was totally wrong for initiating the biggest sibling rivalry. God didn’t seek for her hand to bless Jacob. Her actions had further consequences. “Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob” (Genesis 27:41). When Rebekah got to know of Esau’s plan, she hitched her plan B. She told Jacob, “Flee at once to my brother Laban in Harran. Stay with him for a while until your brother’s fury subsides. When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?” (Genesis 27:43‭-‬45). The fact is, Rebekah never saw her loving son again. By the time Jacob returned from his long journey,  Rebekah had already died. The stolen blessing rid her of her beloved son and officially gave Jacob the tag, “the deceiver”. For most part of Jacob’s adult life, he went through a circle of deception, either from him, from the people around him or from his own children. Years later, Esau would forgive Jacob for stealing his blessing but it took them over 20 years to fix the mess caused by Rebekah. 

Rebekah was beautiful, hardworking, strong, resilient, loving but she had her own flaws that generated into a family feud. Whenever we work on ourselves, we should not only be interested in building our strengths. We should find the best ways to overcome our weaknesses. If we overlook our weaknesses, they will move from a tiny serpent to a big dragon dragging us far away from God’s perfect plan for us. Every lie told is a step away from God and a step closer to the devil. Thou shall not lie!

Parenting gone wrong: Rebekah loved Jacob and Isaac loved Esau

One parenting strategy I learned quite early is to love all your children equally irrespective of their skills and attitudes. A public show of affection one child over the other is a recipe for conflict and confusion. No matter how difficult one child is in comparison to the other(s), parents should be intentional about making all the children feel loved. Imagine showing more affection for other children and less affection for some, the result is hatred and mistrust. Every child deserves to be loved and irrespective of their flaws, parents should be intentional about making them feel loved. Afterall, when the parents pass away without intentionally working to bring peace in the family, they leave behind a baggage of mess and brokenness. The children tend to continue the circle of selective love and end up hating each other for no reason. Rebekah and Isaac were culprits of “Parenting gone wrong.” They publicly showed their preference for one child over the other.

Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob. (Genesis 25:28)

Esau and his brother had different personalities. When they grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents (Genesis 25:27). The two children had different preferences and this is not new. No two people including twins are ever the same. Now this is where the parents got it wrong: “Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob” (Genesis 25:28). Isaac’s love for Esau was based on his taste for wild game but Rebekah just loved Jacob. Now let’s decipher this deeper looking at the other background variables. First, Esau being the first child legally had the birthright and was the heir to Isaac. Rebekah had been told by God that the younger child would be the head over the elder. Jacob being the youngest was also the “mummy’s boy type” who was content to stay home. Could any of these variables trigger the parents’ love? Although Esau foolishly gave away his birthright for a pot of stew, Isaac still considered him as the firstborn and as such worthy of all the blessings that comes to the firstborn son. 

To add more insult to injury, Rebekah and Isaac had to deal with Esau’s choice of wife and the consequences of it. Remember,  Abraham had gone to his family to get a wife for Isaac but, “when Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah” (Genesis 26:34‭-‬35). Esau definitely did not follow the family tradition of choosing a wife and his actions brought grief to his parents. Ultimately, Rebekah had more issues with Esau and considering all the background information, Rebekah was ready to make sure that Esau wouldn’t enjoy the blessings of the firstborn. Does it really matter to show unconditional love to your children irrespective of their flaws? The truth is it really matters. Just as God so loved us with all our flaws and weaknesses, as parents, we need to be intentional about demonstrating love to our children. Esau might have had enough reasons to be the hated one, but he deserved love and affection from his mother. Isaac might love wild game but Jacob needed all the love of his father.

The consequences of these preferences set the stage for a big drama in the future that led the twins to be on loggerheads. Rebekah might have genuinely expressed her feelings based on both interests and prophesy, but the path she took with Isaac (to love one child over the other) is wrong. What if Isaac receives a fake wild game from Jacob who pretends to be Esau? What if Esau decides to stay in the tent and to marry a woman who will please the parents, will Rebekah’s decision to love him less change?
Before you begin a permanent feud among your children through public display of love for one and hatred for another, read the consequences of the actions of Rebekah and Isaac in Genesis 27. We shall look at that in our next post. 
Big tip: Parents should love all their children equally irrespective of their flaws. Never show favouritism and hatred. These two are a recipe for conflict and confusion.